Fathers, whom did you look up to? How do you want your child to look up to you? Though he is no longer here, my dad left me with wonderful memories of qualities I wanted to have, and behaviors I wanted to choose. It is with a smile in my heart that I remember what my father modeled for me: 1. Humor is a strategy. It is often quite OK to joke in a serious situation. Laughter and stress have a hard time co-existing. My father had a knack of diffusing tension at just the right time with just a few words that shifted the mood and had us all laughing despite how important the problem was or more often, was not. 2. The truth is fixed. My dad used to say to us "The truth does not move around." Be completely honest in your interactions with others. It shows great character. And you cant hide your own weaknesses from your children, so you might as well show you are human and model honesty with respect to your faults. 3. Listen to your child, uninterrupted. You will be saying, "I value what you think." My dad did not always agree but he always listened. When you let your child say all she needs to, you give her the message her feelings are important to you. Just listening, without judgment is a priceless gift to a child and adolescent. And the gift is even bigger when your next words reflect what your child feels instead of what you want her to hear. 4. Giving is the best way to receive. Be attentive to what your child wants from you in time, understanding, and support, especially those things that can come only from a father. Your child will feel gratitude and love, though he is not likely to say so. 5. Be respectful, despite what you may be thinking. Show tolerance to all people, even those for whom you do not feel much respect. I never saw my dad be unkind, even when he was not happy with someone. Your child needs to see how you rise above the foolish or trivial ways others can behave. 6. Wonder frequently, and aloud. My dad used to say, "I wonder why --" Or "I want to learn more about ---." When we talk about our curiosities and what we think and feel about the world around us, we teach our children it is good and safe to do the same. 7. Crying is OK. Tears are cleansing when we are sad. Tears feel great when they spring from joy or passion about something important to us. 8. Find the smallest positives. My dad noticed and commented on the littlest good deeds. Watch for opportunities in daily life to say, "Good thinking, my daughter" and "Proud of you, my son." 9. Say, "Please" and "Thank you." and "May I --? " You will be demonstrating good manners, behaviors that help to open important doors out in the world. A great first impression will never stop being a great thing to do. 10. As your child grows, be open to his ideas that might be challenging or unconventional to you. Respond first with words that convey you understand. In return, your child will listen more attentively to what you want to say. If your child is moving into young adulthood and wants to choose a life path different from what you envisioned, get out of the way and let it happen. Support and trust their choices and your children will continue to be in your life in many joyful ways. Copyright Ellen Mossman-Glazer 2006. All rights reserved. You are welcome to share or reprint this article, providing it remains as written with all contact and copyright information included along with a link to http://artofbehaviorchange.com This content is coaching and education and not intended to take the place of psychological services, where advisable and appropriate. |
